This secret document uncovers the new titles we can expect
from Microsoft in coming months.
Alphabet Soup
This secret document uncovers the new titles we can expect
from Microsoft in coming months.
- By Em C. Pea
- February 01, 1999
As the winter chill seeps into your bones, let Auntie
offer you some hot soup. Alphabet soup, that is, fresh
from the cozy kitchen of Chef Boy Our Bill in Redmond,
where the air is redolent with the aroma of new certifications
being created faster than a hotfix list after an NT Service
Pack release.
The new MCDBA certification has Em wondering what other
new titles are coming from Microsoft. So, I went dumpster
diving and surfaced with this document (buried among file
boxes labeled “Antitrust: Destroy Immediately”):
New Microsoft Certifications
- MCROODDP (Microsoft Certified
Relational Object-Oriented Distributed Database Pundit).
Certification for those whose sole skill consists of
digesting and spewing out buzzwords du jour without
having the slightest clue what they mean. This is a
growing, vocal, and highly paid segment of IT that will
be well served by our stamp of approval. Requirements:
10 percent of their billables come to us; that ought
to buy a few more Monets. And they have to read Chapter
One of the User’s Guide for every one of our products
that begins with the letter “Q.”
- MCSO (Microsoft Certified Something
or Other). Finally, a certification for those
who just pass Networking Essentials.
- MCRS (Microsoft Certified Reboot
Specialist). We believe the MCSE should be changed
to this more appropriate designation. Prerequisites:
MCSE status. Additional requirements: Able to find the
power button on eight out of ten enterprise-grade servers
while blindfolded; able to press Ctrl-Alt-Del while
dead. We should investigate whether CompUSA would let
us use their stores as testing centers for this one.
Oh, right—we already are using the retail marketplace
as a testing center!
- MCATS (Microsoft Certified Adaptive
Test Specialist). Must accept pass or fail results
while taking the pre-exam tutorial. It all depends on
whether or not we like you. Really—what you know
or don’t know is totally irrelevant, but if you
don’t study hard, we’ll know it and fail your
sorry butt.
- MCSD+WSA (Microsoft Certified
Solution Developer+Wild Sexual Adventures). Our
attempt to make this a more attractive certification.
We’ll supply the DNA, if you know what I mean.
- MCY2KSS (Microsoft Certified Year
2000 Survival Specialist). Must pass NT Server
Core and Enterprise, SMS 2.0, Deciding Which of Your
Less-Prepared Neighbors Can Enter the Bunker, and Building
NT-Capable Computers from Post-Apocalyptic Rubble.
We believe the positives of Microsoft certification
may extend beyond the computer industry as well. We will
pilot with the following program:
- MCLW (Microsoft Certified Litigation
Weasel). Why pay attorneys who’ve graduated
from law school when our certification legitimizes the
ability to wear $3,000 suits and speak in tongues? Requirements:
So You Wanna Be A Lawyer? (Exam 666-666) and Leegul
Ethiks (Exam 666-6666). Leegul Ethiks is an open-book
exam.
This document got Auntie thinking about how the certification
has expanded from the MCP, MCSD, MCT, and MCSE to include
the MCSE+I, MCP+I, MCP+Site Building, and now the MCDBA.
Do the certifications lose their effectiveness or credibility
when there are so many of them? I wonder whether all these
additions to the group are really necessary.
Since the ID card was pulled as an MCP benefit, you have
only your MCP transcript to show to potential employers
or customers—it’s a good opportunity to test
them. Can they figure out that a couple of NT certifications
and some SQL Server certifications might mean you could
possibly be—by a remote stretch of the imagination—a
SQL DBA? If they can’t deduce that one, you’ll
have a tough time explaining anything technical to them.
Likewise with the Internet and Site Building MCP+’s
(though Auntie’s OK with the MCSE+I—nine passes
deserves an extra gong).
It is alphabet soup, isn’t it? Any more certifications
and we’ll have to switch to Unicode to fit them into
our transcripts. Are you listening, Bill? Good. Now sit
up straight, eat your soup, and don’t slurp.
About the Author
Em C. Pea, MCP, is a technology consultant, writer and now budding nanotechnologist who you can expect to turn up somewhere writing about technology once again.